Natia Cancer Journals: Music and Nostalgia

Welcome to week 1 of the Natia Cancer Journals. If you’re reading this, guess what? You are alive. You have survived heartache, grief, joy, sorrow, illness and love, all to arrive at this moment, right here, right now.

Isn’t that incredible? Furthermore, the fact that you’re reading this means you’ve committed yourself to an exciting new path of healing from the past.

This week I’ve been thinking a lot about the past. I suppose that’s because it’s been almost a year since I had the stem cell transplant that saved my life. Anniversaries have a way making us feel pretty nostalgic, don’t they?

From Greek, the word nostalgia means, quite literally, “a pain to return home”. When we feel nostalgic, we often feel a mix of sadness and happiness at the same time, which is odd because one might think that these are conflicting emotions. But often, upon reflection, the most painful moments of our lives turn out to actually be the most poignant. Which reminds me of a quote that I’ve always loved:

“One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.”

– Sigmund Freud.

Sometimes I even feel nostalgic for the period when I was severely ill in hospital. Which is strange, because at the time I was suffering so much and yet I also felt so acutely alive. I feel nostalgic when I think back to being 19 years old and traveling around the world with just an oversized backpack and an insatiable thirst for adventure in my body. I feel nostalgic for the comfort of my late mothers’ arms, knowing I’ll never be able to access somewhere quite as safe as that again.

But nothing induces nostalgia in me more than music. To me, there’s nothing as powerful as playing a familiar song and being instantly transported back to a certain time or place in your life.

Whenever I want to write I put on an old record or a playlist and instantly I feel neuropathways in my brain opening up and words just start to pour out of me.

Music can be such an incredible tool for healing.

So, for our first exercise we are going to purposely induce the feeling of nostalgia.

How?

I want you to choose 5 different periods in your life. It can be a moment or an age. No need to overthink it. Just pick 5 and write them down.

When you have them in front of you, you’re then going to pick 5 songs to go with each period. Songs that you feel align with that specific moment.

Don’t think too much about it, just pick a song that comes to mind for each period.

Now play the song and start writing. Write a paragraph about what was happening in that moment and how you felt.

Write until the song ends and play it again if the words keep coming. Let the music unearth the memories. See what comes up.

I’ll share what I wrote:

Photo Credits: Angus and Julia Stone

1. “Just a Boy” - Angus and Julia Stone.

I am 19 and in love with a boy with blonde hair and blue eyes. We have known each other for a few days in person when we meet at the airport in Buenos Aires after talking online for months. I am listening to this song repeatedly, thinking of him, my nerves consuming me.

I see him walk through the arrival gates. My heart feels like it will explode in my chest.

“I met you once and I've fallen for your notions

I don't know why, I don't know why

One kiss from you and I'm drunk up on your potion

That big old smile is all you wore

Girl, you make me want to feel

The things I've never felt before”

Photo Credit: Carl Lender (Flickr)

2. “Daughter” - Louden Wainwright III.

I am 20 years old and living in Colombia. My dad is back home in South Africa about to undergo an operation to remove his cancer – riddled oesophagus. I can’t be there but this song, about a father’s love for his daughter connects me to him.

“That's my daughter in the water

Every time she fell, I caught her.

Every time she fell.

That's my daughter in the water,

I lost every time I fought her.

I lost every time”

Photo Credit: Luis Fonsi (via IMDB)

3. “Despacito” – Luis Fonsi. Ft Daddy Yankee

I am 23 and back in South America. I am recovering from 6 months of chemotherapy. My hair is short, wild and curly. I came back here after a tough year to try and find the same happiness I felt when I was 19. The song of the year is “Despacito ”, it plays in every single club and bar and forever will remind me of being young, barefoot, tanned and happy. Of riding in the back of crowded chicken buses, of a gleaming Caribbean Sea.

Of cold beer and flirting and freedom.

“Despacito

Quiero respirar tu cuello despacito

Deja que te diga cosas al oído

Para que te acuerdes si no estás conmigo"

Photo Credit: MrStitch2305

4. “A New Day Has Come” - Celine Dion.

I am 25 years old and living in London now. My dad phones me to tell me my mother has just passed away. I walk to the park near my university where I lie down and sob into the grass. I stay there for several hours in the sun, playing the song over and over. Mum loved Celine Dion. Her passing aches in my chest and at same time feels like a relief. I am happy she is free now; dementia had taken her away a long time ago.

I walk to St Pauls cathedral and light two candles, one for my mother and one for our family dog who also chose to leave the world on that day. There are miracles all around us.

“Hush now

I see a light in the sky

Oh, it's almost blinding me

I can't believe I've been touched by an angel

With love

Let the rain come down

And wash away my tears

Let it fill my soul

And drown my fears

Let it shatter the walls

For a new sun

A new day has come”

Photo Credit: The War on Drugs

5. “Thinking of A Place” - The War on Drugs

I am 26 and lying in a hospital bed, hours before having a stem cell transplant that will save my life. I am puffy and frail from a week of intensive chemotherapy. The climb up the mountain has been long and heavy, and finally, I am at the peak. The song transports me out of the hospital, out of the pain I feel in my body, out of this earth. I am all of the younger versions of myself, 19 again, hitchhiking along the Pan-American highway, 23 years old, dancing to reggaeton on the beach.

I am the girl crying in the park, aching for her mother. I am 26, strong and fierce and alive.

“I’m moving through the dark

Of a long black night

And I'm looking at the moon

And the light it shines

But I'm thinking of a place

And it feels so very real

Oh, it was so full of love!”

And there you have it. Don’t feel any pressure to write as much as me. (I tend to get carried away). Just try it out and see how you feel. It might prove to be pretty powerful.

If you fancy sharing your journal entry with us, you can direct message them to Natia on Facebook or Instagram or send them via email to conversation@natiacares.com by clicking the button bellow.